I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
