Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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