I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
