Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
