if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My Sexting was not on an AP level
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
