remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize