please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Pooping to opera.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
