if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
