im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
