btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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