made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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