i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
