I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You pole danced in your parka.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
