He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
