Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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