i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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