Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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