if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
