dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
