now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
