I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
