yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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