yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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