I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
