3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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