Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
