Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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