You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
