Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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