Capitaan dildo arrescate!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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