i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
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So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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