I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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