we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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