Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
