I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
