At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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