Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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