The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
