2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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