Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
