8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
