You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
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I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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