I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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