I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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