I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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