I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize