Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
