OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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