Your dad touched me again.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
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Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Mom said you looked used
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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