Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
