Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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