I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
