i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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