with your own penis?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
