everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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