hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
