he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
