you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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