You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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