Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
