When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
